The Therapist

I am a therapist. Every day I experience the challenges & difficulties and joys & blessings of working with lots of little special needs students. As a provider of occupational therapy services, it is my job to help my students learn…learn to feed themselves, dress themselves, regulate their bodies and emotions, interact with their peers, play appropriately, use their hands and fingers to perform intricate tasks…the list goes on. The funny thing is, though, I’m not the only one in this “teacher-student relationship” doing the teaching. It’s incredible how much my students have to teach me!...Or how much GOD has to teach me through my students!

I think, speak, learn, and understand in terms of analogies and metaphors…and believe me, a special needs school just happens to be FULL of them! It’s amazing how many spiritual life lessons my eyes have been opened to while my arms have been elbow deep in poop, pee, snot, Trix yogurt, applesauce, and play-dough!

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I squatted down on a much-too-small chair, my knees scrunched up and towering over the tiny table. I leaned over, extended a jar of writing utensils to one of my students and said, “Pick a marker, Tommy! Open it! Today, we’re going to trace letters!” (All names have been changed to protect students’ identities, of course.) Without a sound, without making eye contact, and without moving more than his hand, Tommy took a marker. He did not open it, but rather, he proceeded to wave it continuously up and down in front of his face, watching the movement out of the corner of his eye as he stared blankly off into space. “Open the marker, Tommy!” I prompted encouragingly. No response. “Come on, Tommy! Open the marker! Let’s color!” I cheerfully invited yet again. Still no change. So, I placed my hands over his and helped him open the marker. “Good job, Tommy! Now let’s draw! Will you show me how you can write on the paper?” Tommy, who had yet to look at me or the paper, immediately brought the marker back up to his face and continued to self-stim. I tapped on the table, pointing to the letters on the page. No stop in waving the marker. I tapped louder. Still no break in the stare. So, I guided his hand down to the paper and began to assist his small fingers in tracing over the dotted lines that spelled out his name. Tommy pulled away from my hand. The second I let go, he returned to waving the marker. I brought his hand back to the page and began again…only to be pushed away a second time…and a third…and a fourth. I’m usually pretty patient, but by this point, I was starting to get a little frustrated. “WHY WON’T YOU LET ME HELP YOU?” I thought. “UGH! IT’S ONE THING FOR YOU TO COMPLETELY IGNORE MY DIRECTIONS, BUT TO IGNORE ME!...THAT’S ANOTHER!...AND NOT JUST TO IGNORE ME, BUT TO PUSH ME AWAY??? I KNOW THIS IS HARD FOR YOU, BUT THAT’S WHY I’M HERE! I’VE GOT MY HAND ON YOU…I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU…WHY WON’T YOU LET ME?”…

…“Hey, Ben! Let’s play with the cars!” I exclaimed. I grabbed a couple of toy cars and began to drive them back and forth on the road map rug, across a bridge of blocks, and down the toy car garage ramp. “Isn’t this so much fun?!?” I asked excitedly…to which Ben responded by pushing away my hands, throwing my toy cars out of reach, kicking apart the block bridge, knocking over the toy garage ramp, and picking up his one and only favorite car and staring at it as he spun the front wheels around and around and around and around, just as he had before I came over…

…“Ooo! Katie! Let’s make a big tower with the blocks!” I demonstrated quickly to engage her attention and then asked her to join in. As I handed her the blocks one by one, she put each one in her mouth, chewed on it for a few seconds, spit it out, threw it, and then knocked down each block I had added to the tower myself…

…“Ashley, it’s time to put on your shoes!” I sat her down in front of me and began to aid her in putting on her socks. Enraged that I had pulled her away from her favorite toy, she began to squirm violently (for real, if it’s possible to squirm violently, she is in fact very good at it!). After a few minutes of wrestling, Ashley’s shoes were on, but I may have taken a few punches to the face in the process…

***

In these moments, my heart breaks for my kids. When I look at them, I see their potential. I know what they are capable of, and what has to be done in order to take them to the next level. But so often they not only ignore what I have planned for them, but they go out of their way to resist me as strongly as their tough little wills allow!...Because they can’t see the big picture like I can!

And then one day I realized: I AM MY KIDS. Yes, I did just say that…I’m a little special needs preschooler…and everything I’ve wanted to say to my naughty, yet pricelessly precious little kiddos, God wants to say to me (metaphorically speaking, of course):

“LAURA, WHY ARE YOU SO CONTENT TO SIT THERE AND SHAKE A MARKER IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE WHEN I HAVE GIFTED YOU TO COLOR AND DRAW AND WRITE???...WHY ARE YOU SO CONTENT TO SPIN WHEELS ON YOUR LITTLE CAR IN ONE PLACE WITHOUT MOVING WHEN I HAVE CALLED YOU TO GO OUT AND DRIVE IN HIGH-ENERGY CHASE SCENES???...WHY ARE YOU SO CONTENT TO CHEW ON BLOCKS WHEN I HAVE EQUIPPED YOU TO BUILD ELABORATE CASTLES??? STOP IGNORING MY DIRECTION. STOP PUSHING ME AWAY. MY HAND IS ON YOU. I AM HERE TO HELP YOU. I KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR…YOU DON’T. I SEE THE BIG PICTURE…YOU CAN’T. I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BIG PLANS FOR YOU. I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO THE NEXT LEVEL. IT MIGHT BE HARD, BUT THAT’S WHY I’M HERE…TO GUIDE YOU AND ENCOURAGE YOU. YOU CAN AVOID MY GAZE, BUT I STILL SEE YOU. YOU CAN THROW AWAY MY GIFTS THE SECOND I PLACE THEM IN YOUR HANDS, BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE. YOU CAN TRY TO KNOCK DOWN AND TEAR APART EVERYTHING GOOD THAT I HAVE BUILT IN YOUR LIFE, BUT I WILL PERSIST IN PERSUING A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. YOU MAY SIT THERE UNWILLING TO PARTICIPATE, OR YOU MAY GET UP AND RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION, BUT I’M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU. IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU ATTEMPT TO VIOLENTLY SQUIRM OUT OF MY EMBRACE. IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU PUNCH ME IN THE FACE. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND DESIRE WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO YOUR FULLEST POTENTIAL. NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE JUST LET ME LEAD YOU THERE?”

As I enter into a season of intentional ministry through service, I realize that I am empowered to do so, only because of the “therapy” that God has been doing (and will continue to do) in my life…taking me out of my comfort zone…pulling me away from things that are small, safe, purposeless…leading me in pursuit of things with greater meaning, greater value, greater worth…allowing me to enter in to a much bigger picture, a much higher calling. There have been, and I’m sure will continue to be, many moments that cause me to ask “WHY?”…but I have to trust that just like me with my students, God has a purpose, knows exactly where He wants to take me and how He wants to get me there, and that He will in fact bring me to that place, if I will just simply submit to the picture I cannot clearly see, surrender to the plan I do not fully understand, yield to the direction of One wiser than I, grab hold of the hand that is more skilled than mine, and allow HIM to be MY THERAPIST.