I
write this not to defend my relationship status, not to reprimand those of you
who have innocently complimented me in this way (I know you meant well!), and
certainly not to disregard marriage or drive a wedge further between marrieds
and singles within the church. I have
the utmost respect for the sanctity of marriage! I adore my married friends and thank God for
the work He is doing in and through them; their lives are a beautiful and
powerful reflection of and testament to God’s marriage with the Church. But this is not about marriage, and it is not
about me. I write, rather, to ask you to
pause and reflect (regardless of your relationship status), to think before you
speak, so that you in good faith and full confidence will declare nothing but
truth in the lives of your brothers and sisters in Christ; that your
encouragement may be truly Biblically encouraging.
I bake things.
And they’re delicious.
While I’m not surprised that my confectionary
creations elicit compliments, I am continually baffled by the “Biblical
encouragement” I receive in response to my cookies and brownies. I cannot begin to count how many times a
well-meaning taste-tester has taken a bite of one of my cupcakes and (after
making an awkward and embarrassing assortment of unidentifiable noises) proclaimed,
“You’re future husband is going to be AMAZING!”
Um, I’m usually pretty adept at keeping up, but
excuse me, I’m not following. How did we
make the jump from fondant to future husband, from marzipan to matrimony?
With crumbs falling from your mouth and frosting all
over your face, you gush about what I great wife I’ll be; “A real Proverbs 31
Women!” you declare.
I should be eating this up! But I’m not.
I’m flattered! But I’m not encouraged.
And this is why:
1)
Half of what you just said is based on something that you don’t know to be
true.
Um that was a cupcake, not a crystal ball…What
husband?
Now, I believe in the prophetic; I believe that God
can and does speak to people and that He gives them messages to give to
others. But I’m guessing that if you’re
honest, when the majority of you told me about my future husband, it wasn’t because the Holy
Spirit asked you to. (I know, I know my
cupcakes are heavenly, but we’re talking about a different kind of divine
inspiration here…)
I might want to get married. I might actually get married. But unless God himself came to you and told
you to tell me that I’m going to get married, you’re not allowed to tell me
that! I don’t care how badly you want me to get married; I don’t care how
strongly you feel that I’ll get
married (yes, the odds are quite good!).
But promising me that “God has someone amazing for me” is not
encouragement; it is false hope and it is not theologically sound. Nowhere in the Bible does God promise me a
husband. In fact, He has all sorts of
really great things to say about singles!
But don’t take my word for it; ask Paul-he’s the expert!
2)
It invites me to be discontent.
In one sentence, in one attempt to lift my spirits,
you have caused me to take my eyes off of everything I have and instead focus
on what I don’t have.
In addition to baking, one of my many skills is
feeling sorry for myself. Believe it or
not, I throw a killer pity-party! I’m
perfectly capable of being narcissistic and entitled all by myself; I don’t
need your help!
Brothers and sisters, encouragement means
continuously reminding me of everything that God has already done for me. When
Paul says, “I have learned the secret of being content
whatever the circumstances…in any and every situation” (Philippians 4:11-12), I
promise you, the “secret” he is referring to is not a significant other!
3)
It inappropriately overemphasizes my ability to appeal to fleshly desires.
Though spiritual beings, God also created us with physical
bodies in a physical world. With “taste
and see that the Lord is good!” (Psalm 34:8) as the motto of my cake business, I
will be the first to attest that physical gifts come from God and that He
intends for us to revel in them as a way of worshiping Him and celebrating His
goodness. From a great cupcake to great
sex, pursuing excellence within God’s intended design, can bring us great joy
and Him great glory!
But when you imply that a man will desire to marry
me because I make a mean muffin, I feel belittled and objectified; it’s rather
demeaning. I have so much more to offer than that! With the unbalanced degree to
which you rate my truffles and tortes, you might as well be grading my
body. I feel reduced to my ability to
appeal to a man’s fleshly desires, to placate his appetites.
A
satisfied sweet tooth is hardly grounds for marriage, let alone a successful one!
I don’t want my potential future husband’s foundational
attraction to me to stem from his gratified gut. I’m not sure where the saying “the way to a
man’s heart is through his stomach” came from, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t
the Bible. I’m not out to merely catch
attention and capture hearts, but even if I was, I’d rather not journey through
the GI tract to do so. I refuse to be a
cheap caterer of cravings.
Please
stop talking about my cupcakes and start talking about my character!
Which brings me to my next point…
4)
It falsely suggests that the success of my (hypothetical) marriage hinges on my
home-making skills.
I know excellent home-makers who are terrible
wives. I also know women, who though
they may not be well versed in the ways of Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray, love
and serve their husbands in an exemplary manner. My ability to grow my own vegetables, turn
them into soup, and present said soup in a shiny mason jar with a perfectly-tied
bow on top, pristine and magazine-cover perfect, in no way predicts my ability
to be a godly wife or secures me a godly husband.
In debates regarding “Biblical womanhood,”
Christians often reference Proverbs 31 as the justification for their idolization
of home-making skills. But Proverbs 31,
an ode to one specific woman, was never meant to be an exclusive list of
requirements for all women. Also, while Proverbs 31 highlights many a house-hold skill as it praises its subject, the emphasis
is not meant to be on her talents, but on her character. Notice the section’s heading is not “A Wife
of Many Skills,” but “A Wife of Nobel Character.” CHARACTER.
Yes, she can sew her own clothes, but that’s not the
point. If you read a little more deeply,
you’ll realize that she is being commended for her compassion, diligence,
integrity, and discernment; she “opens her arms to the poor,” is “clothed with strength
and dignity,” and “speaks with wisdom.”
Her family may have looked something like the Von Trapp children after
Maria made them clothes from curtains, but the Proverbs 31 Woman did not
inspire a song to be written about her because of her family’s matching
outfits; her praises were sung because of her FEAR OF THE LORD.
5)
It hurtfully implies that those with alternate gifts are not as deserving of or
likely to have successful marriages.
I used to think that the question, “Why aren’t you
married?” was purely age-related and derived solely from the societal pressure
to marry and produce children before a woman’s biological clock “expired.” Recently, however, I was informed of the
disheartening reality that while age is most definitely a factor, there also
seems to be a direct correlation between the visibility and prevalence of
home-making skills and the frequency of that question being asked. Women who are gifted in the kitchen or who
work exceptionally well with children are seen as more likely candidates for
marriage.
This absolutely breaks my heart because it implies
that women who do not display obvious gifting in the areas of home-making and
child-rearing are not as deserving of or likely to have successful, godly
marriages. Don’t you dare tell my
incredibly brilliant, beautiful, wildly-gifted single friends that they don’t
have what it takes to make it; that what they have to offer is just a little
less desirable.
She may not be able to sew that button back onto
your shirt, but her business skills and passion for justice and equality have successfully
alleviated poverty in several villages around the world! I’d take that over having all your buttons in
a row any day!
Let’s quickly revisit our friend, the Proverbs 31
Woman. Naturally, this passage includes
an extensive list of home-making skills.
In the context of the culture of that day and age, women were limited to
just that: home-making! But let me
remind you once again, the accolades of the Proverbs 31 Woman have nothing to
do with her specific skills, and everything to do with the way in which she carried them out!
The Proverbs 31 Woman’s household chores were merely the medium through
which she practiced and portrayed her godly character!
In the context of today’s culture, there are
infinitely more opportunities for women to share their gifts. Both married and single, within the home and
far beyond it, God is using women’s increasingly diverse range of gifting to
change the world and bring the kingdom of heaven to earth! If God works outside of time and historical
and cultural context, I refuse to be bound by it!
Speaking of operating outside of time…
6)
It limits my gifting to a certain time.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every
activity under the heavens” (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
This includes the season of singleness.
Sometimes being a single in the church is like
reliving middle school; it’s awkward for everyone. People stare at you like you’ve got acne all
over your face and whisper about you behind your back…just loud enough for you
to hear. “This too shall pass,” they say
and proceed to make comments about “the number of fish in the sea” while
laughing nervously as they pray that this season is one that will pass quickly.
But I beg you, please don’t feel sorry for me or
downplay the season I’m in just because it’s uncomfortable. I’m called to be in this season for a
reason. Whether this season lasts a week
or the rest of my life, God has plans for me here. I know that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according
to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). If you or
I treat this season as “the lost years,” the “time we don’t talk about,” not
only is my very existence invalidated, but we run the risk of failing to discover
the purpose of the season.
God
is doing amazing things in and through me right now; I don’t want to miss out
on that, and I don’t want you to either!
Encouragement means challenging me to thrive regardless
of my relationship status. Whatever
season I find myself in, encouragement means helping me to fully embrace it; to
soak up every lesson, but also, every blessing.
I want to wring that sponge dry!
I want everything that God has for me in the timing that He has for me!
Why
desire anything other than God’s best?
A life of waiting is a life wasted. Every moment spent fantasizing about the
future is a moment unlived and lost forever.
To suggest that my gifts won’t reach their full potential until I’m
married is just plain silly.
God
isn’t waiting for my husband, so why should you or I?
7)
It limits my gifting to a certain context.
Facebook might define me by my relationship status,
but God doesn’t. His ability to use me
is not determined by whether or not I have a boyfriend, fiancé, or husband; God
is bigger than that.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: marriage
is beautiful! I believe that God uses
spouses to cause immense growth and bestow abundant blessing in each other’s
lives. If God calls me into marriage, I
trust that my husband and I will spur each other on and bring each other joy in
profound ways; I refuse to settle for less than that.
But if God does not call me into marriage, I trust
that I will in no way be limited in terms of growth and joy experienced. While marriage is a miraculous institution in
which God uses the spiritual synergy of two people to produce results exponentially
beyond what either of them could have accomplished alone, people who God calls to be single are in no way cut off from also reaching their fullest potential.
Marriage
is incredible, but it’s not everything.
There’s a God-shaped hole in all of us, and no marriage, no matter how
seemingly perfect will satisfy or fulfill our innate desire for a relationship
with God.
8)
It’s not a valid conclusion because you’re measuring my gifting with the wrong tool.
When preparing Thanksgiving dinner, in order to
ensure that the turkey is fully cooked prior to eating it, you place a very
specific meat-thermometer into the flesh and wait for the end to pop up,
signaling that the bird is done. You don’t
jam a human thermometer in its leg, you don’t measure its wings with a ruler;
you don’t occasionally pull the steaming poultry out of the oven and toss in
onto your bathroom scale. If you want an
accurate, reliable, valid measurement, you have to use the correct measuring
tool.
Colossians 3:23 instructs, “Whatever you do, work at
it with all your heart, as if working for the Lord, not for man.”
You should not be judging me, my worth, my value, or
my effectiveness by my ability to please a man.
In fact, I could really use your help eliminating the
achievement-oriented, applause-driven, approval-seeker in me. I am such a people-pleaser!
In seeking to gain the admiration of others, I end
up falling far short of the fullness that could be mine in Christ. Encouragement means holding me accountable to
living in such a way that God is my sole boss, evaluator, judge; my one and
only source of approval and worth.
9)
It suggests that I’m incomplete, that I’m not enough; that God is not enough.
When you tell me, “I can’t wait to meet your
husband!” I most likely will respond good-naturedly with something like, “Well,
that makes two of us!” But on the
inside, what I’m really thinking is, “What’s wrong with just me? In the meantime, ya know, before my ‘AMAZING’
husband shows up on the scene, you’re welcome to get to know ME.”
I suddenly feel incomplete; that I won’t really be
happy or fulfilled or useful to God or any of His people until I have met my teammate,
my partner in crime, my helpmeet, my spiritual leader, my “completion.”
THAT IS A LIE.
And it’s coming most strongly from inside the church. My husband cannot complete me and it is
unfair to place such a high and unrealistic expectation on him. Talk about a great way to guarantee hurt and
disappointment!
Brothers and sisters, GOD HAS SAVED ME. AND NOTHING OR
NO ONE WILL EVER MAKE ME MORE COMPLETE THAN I ALREADY AM.
You don’t get to decide what my desires are and you
don’t get to hypothesize how they will be fulfilled. You don’t get to reinvent God’s plan for my
life to fit your wishes or realign it to meet society’s expectations.
Biblical
encouragement attests to God’s infallible, unwavering character, His promises
fulfilled, His work in the world throughout history, and His ongoing work in my
life.
Philippians 1:6 states, “He who began a good work in
you will carry it onto completion.” If you read on, you’ll notice that it ends
not “until the day of marriage,” but “until the day of Jesus Christ.”
With
or without a significant other, God promises me completion. Biblical encouragement doesn’t tell me what I
want to hear; it tells me what I need to hear.
There is no room for flattery, falsehood, comparison, discontentment, or
lack of fulfillment in the church. Please
stop speaking empty compliments and start speaking life!
If
you want to encourage me, stop predicting who my husband might be and remind me
who my GOD IS. Stop telling me who I
could be in marriage, and declare who I AM in CHRIST.
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